Pudding Cousins
by FluffyGlitterPantsDragon
Summary: Dan gets a phone call from his favorite cousin, Carla. Humor, crack. Yes, I know the two referenced seasons are 15 years apart. I don't care. This had to happen. rated T for swearing.


Espinoza polished off a mid-afternoon pudding. He preferred good old 'vanilla', but Lucifer had outdone himself. This was homemade pudding, with little black flecks of ground up vanilla bean and some kind of mild herb that complimented the desserty feel of it.

He still didn't know if Chloe made Lucifer do it or if the Devil volunteered, but it was good stuff.

The last spoonful swirled around his tongue. He closed his eyes, putting off looking at his waiting pile of email and paperwork for just the one more moment.

His phone buzzed on the swallow.

The number made him grin, an unexpected but well-timed call from someone he hadn't heard from in a long time. Far too long, considering how closely they were related. Carla, on staff at one of several hospitals in L.A., always made time for him if he called. Her hours were predictably insane, which made it harder to connect, but that was no excuse with family, especially Espinoza's.

He self-consciously wiped his face, checking for pudding, even though she couldn't see him. "Carla! What's up, doc?"

"I'M GETTING MARRIED! And don't call me that, Dan. You know I'm not a doctor."

Dan held the phone away from his face, belatedly. "Congratulations! When?"

"Soon! Like in a month. I'm sorry I can't invite you, but it's going to be small and at the hospital. We don't have a lot of space and it's all I could do to get my immediate family here and-"

"I'll send a gift, cuz, from me and Chloe. So, is it that guy you're always complaining about?" he hoped he sounded light, and that it was the guy. She sounded so happy the last time they talked, like she dared to hope it was real, this time. Even as kids, she wasn't easy to love, bossy and stubborn.

A smile teased her voice. " _Which_ guy I'm always complaining about?"

Oh yeah. That guy is the one, all right. "The guy who gets your country of origin wrong? The guy with the mole you hate, or was it the smarmy surgeon with the goofy best friend?"

"That's the same guy, Dan!" she buzzed with excitement. Someone nearby said something but Carla shushed them.

"Well?" he couldn't resist dragging it out of her. And he'd forgotten the guys name anyway, but knew it was something weird.

"Yeah, it's him! Turk is a giant dork, and I love him. And we're getting _married!_ " Her voice smiled as it pitched up. "He's a big toasty marshmallow, you know? I really want you to meet him soon. If not before the wedding, then after, okay? I think you guys will get along great! You should drop by the hospital sometime!"

Right, Turk. "So you're going to be Carla Turk? That's a little...weird."

"No, I'm keeping my last name. You know, like your wife did." she meant it light-heartedly, either forgetting about the separation or just suffering 'marriage-brain'.

 _Ouch_. "Yeah, we're divorced now, it was finalized last year. Remember?"

She breathed in sharply, embarrassed. "Oh, _sweetie_ , I'm sorry. Are you doing alright? I didn't even ask how you are. How's Trixie doing?"

"Yeah, we're still in the same department, but it's better than it used to be, we still work well together. Trixie's great, I'll tell her you said hi."

"So how are you otherwise? Solving lots of murders?"

"Too many, honestly. But closing the cases helps my sanity. I feel like I'm making a difference most of the time. When I'm not being driven crazy by coworkers."

"Yeah? I got you beat on crazy coworkers. There's no way you can get nuttier than third shift hospital staff, I promise that whatever you think you're dealing with, it isn't that bad."

"Well, maybe not in sheer _number_ of crazy. Volume, however…"

"How's that pudding addiction going?"

He heard the smirk in her voice. He realized he was still playing with his spoon and put it down carefully next to the Tupperware. "Hey, I can quit anytime I want. How about you?"

"well, my fiance and his best friend recently stole a car trunk load of hospital pudding to celebrate our engagement. They used to do it a lot more often, but they're starting to earn better money with a few years under their belts."

"Oh man, hospital pudding is _the best_."

Carla huffed. "No need to get snarky with me, old man. Free pudding is free pudding, as you are well aware."

"I'm not that much older than you! Also, remind me to put out an APB on a case of pudding. Stolen pudding is serious business. I should know."

"Aw, poor Dan. Your coworkers still stealing your lunches?"

"For some weird, reason, only my pudding cups. No one touches my sandwiches. Luckily, the theft rate has been down recently. A, uhm...friend actually made me some." _A very very close friend._ Dan blushed.

Carla could read between the lines like no one had ever known in his life. It made him nervous. "Oh, a _friend_ huh? Is she nice? Are you seeing anyone?"

He tried deflection for now. He really didn't want the whole hospital gossiping. "...Yeah, I don't know if 'dating' is really for me. I'm super busy and I'm helping out with Trixie when I can."

She brushed off his worries. "Single dads are all the rage you know. C'mon, you aren't seeing anyone? You aren't getting any younger, cowboy."

Lucifer picked that moment to approach his desk, leaning over Dan's shoulder with extreme interest in his conversation. "Why, hello there, sexy lady voice! Who is this?" He made a decidedly fake gasping noise. "Daniel! Are you seeing someone behind my back?"

"..."

"..."

Carla screeched with happiness. "' _DANIEL!_ ' Who is your boyfriend? Why didn't you tell me?" She giggled and Dan was sure she was dancing too.

Dan decided to die right then and there. Except it didn't work. "Carla is my _cousin_ , Lucifer, so please don't- and he's not my _boyfriend_ , Carla!"

Lucifer sidled in closer, breathy and extremely work-appropriate. "That's not what you said last night."

"Oh my, G-, go away! I haven't talked to Carla since her boyfriend proposed. I'm trying to catch up."

Lucifer tutted. "She sounds delightful, Daniel. You should introduce us. Another Espinoza? I lay a bet she got all the best qualities of the entire bloodline."

Dan gave him a 'you are so going to pay for this later' look. Which Lucifer ignored pointedly by kissing him on the top of his head. "Not to worry. You're still my favorite Espinoza."

Dan grumbled. "You aren't going to leave me alone, are you?"

Carla interrupted. "You are going to have to explain this, ' _Daniel'_. And if you don't, I'm driving my sweet ass over there after my shift to meet this guy. I'll bring company if I have to."

Dan felt himself go pale, blood draining to his toes. "You wouldn't dare."

Lucifer grinned. "And she's local! _Hola, senorita!"_

"He sounds hot and he speaks spanish? Oh, I am so coming over."

Dan gave up and put them on speakerphone. "He _sounds_ hot? Aren't you getting married next month?"

"That's a whole month away."

He knew she was kidding, but still. "Carla!"

Lucifer dropped into full on sexy-voice mode. "I like the way your cousin thinks. Can we have the bachelorette party at Lux? First round of drinks are on me."

Carla squealed. "Oh! You run a club? In L.A.?"

"Darling, I _own_ a club in L.A. Just give me the date, I'll reserve the special VIP table for you and your girls. And slash or boys. Make sure you get me a set list too, and I'll play you something to mark the occasion."

"That sounds perfect! I have to check with Elliot, but we might be able to work that out, I don't think we have any real plans yet, except to go out and get drunk."

"Boys then? I'll can accommodate that."

"Elliot's my best-neurotic friend. She will love to come out."

"I'm intrigued by the idea of meeting more of his family than the offspring."

"The what?"

Dan thumped his head lightly on the desk. "Lucifer, the offer is nice, but I don't know if I want to cross contaminate you guys. Carla, he means Trixie. He spends a good deal of his time in his...identity."

Lucifer gave him a dirty look with pursed lips. Dan shrugged.

Carla hummed thoughtfully. "Now, I have to ask, what's with the nickname? Did Dan give it to you?"

"Really, Daniel, you should just explain these things so I don't have to do it all the time. Really, you haven't mentioned me at all? Carla, love, the name is my own."

"Well, at least you didn't pick it." she sounded thoughtful, "it's not the worst name someone gave their kid here at the hospital either. But it's...close."

"Thank you, Carla! someone finally understands. Like anyone would _choose_ the name 'Lucifer Morningstar.'"

"Great last name though. Can I call you Luci?"

"Only you, darling. And some of my family members."

Another voice broke in on her end. "Who are you talking to, babe?"

She put them on speaker on her end. "Hey guys, this is Turk, my super sexy fiance!"

"Hi Lucy!...Who's Lucy?"

Dan pulled the phone closer to himself. "Please, don't both of you call him Luci. Hi, Turk, it's nice to hear from the guy whose snapping up my cousin." He side-eyed Lucifer. "In fact, you better treat her the way she deserves or I'll send my _friend_ up there to visit."

Carla snickered. "Lucifer is Dan's boyfriend."

"Who, what now?...Well, that's a new one. Glad you finally left the closet, buddy. The wife thing didn't work out?"

Lucifer grumped. "You didn't tell your dear cousin _anything_? Funny you should mention it, I'm working the 'wife' thing. Chloe's dating me now."

She gasped. "Dan! You work with your boyfriend, named Lucifer, who is dating your ex-wife? How does Trixie feel about that?"

Dan picked a new part of the desk to thump his head against. "Frankly, Trixie adores him, and I still don't know why. And he's not my boyfriend. And he's only vaguely my coworker."

Carla ran over Lucifers scoff to update Turk. "Turk! He owns a club! Elliot and I are going to have the bachelorette party there! What's he doing at the police station anyway?"

"I'm a 'civilian police consultant'. Are you neglecting your work too?"

"We're both here at Sacred Heart. Turk's a surgeon. I guess we both like our coworkers. Huh, sweetie?"

Ella hopped over to the desk, balancing some clipboards. "Dan, who are you guys talking to?"

"Oh my, God."

Lucifer groaned audibly and rolled his eyes. "Rude, Daniel."

Carla's voice grinned. "Is that Chloe?"

"Hi, mystery people! I'm Ella Lopez! I'd hug you if you were here!"

Dan rubbed his face. "Ella is our Forensic Scientist. Chloe is out somewhere." _Please dear God, be out somewhere._

Lucifer spoke up again. "She's our BEST Forensic Scientist. She's very good at sussing out how murders happened."

Carla patted someone on a shoulder. "My guy here probably prevented some murders. Just last week, he stitched up this guy's liver and stomach. Multiple stab wounds. He saved his life for sure."

Turk attempted to answer, "it wasn't that big of a deal-"

Ella leaned in, "Well, if he had died, you can be sure I'd find out how. And Dan would totally nab the guy."

Dan leaned back over, annoyed. "Well, hopefully we DID nab the guy, since _attempted_ murder is still a crime too, but thanks for the vote of confidence…We did, right? Get that guy?"

Another male voice, highly tense and irritated, butted in. "For the love of God, get back to work. I have people literally dying in the time you've taken to have your little chat."

Lucifer pulled the phone back over. "I'm sure you're being hyperbolic. But I can run down and check Hell to see if anyone new has shown up so I know who to blame it on."

"Who is this asshole?"

"Lucifer Morningstar, at your service."

Dan cut off the speaker, "Carla, it sounds like you're really busy. Just send me a card or an email or something so I can give you a wedding gift."

"Who the everloving hell is-"

"Dr. Cox, just a minute, okay?" She cut off her speaker. "Dan, we can catch up at my party, okay? And you can introduce me to your boyfriend. I'm taking Luci up on his offer, by the way. Free parties don't come around all that often."

"He is not- okay. I miss you. I hope you're doing well there. I know you deal with a lot."

"You know I can handle it."

"Yeah, you do. Public service is rough sometimes. Especially with nosy coworkers."

"Tell me about it. Laverne has been giving me the stink-eye since she caught Luci's name. I'm about to get an earful of Jesus from her."

"Take care of yourself, okay?"

"You too."


End file.
